Star Trek Into Darkness - Funniest Script ever!
by TheChristmasSerialMurders
Summary: HARRISON (ominously) Still can't win a fight, huh? Can we hurry this up? I'm due back on the Sherlock set in an hour. This is only the beginning of the hilariousness of this script. I do not know what came over me while writing it, but, I created it for your pleasure. Enjoy! (NO - SLASH)


FADE IN:

EXT. STRANGE ALIEN PLANET

CAPTAIN JAMES. T. KIRK and DR. McCOY are being chased by a gang of COCAINE-SKINNED ALIENS. KIRK runs into a TAUNTAUN and SHOOTS IT in the FACE.

McCOY

Great, you just shot our getaway vehicle, genius.

KIRK

Since we presumably rode here on it you'd think I'd know not to shoot it. Maybe we should just explain to the aliens that we're trying to save them from that huge volcano that's about to vomit lava all over everything?

McCOY

No way. The Prime Directive states we can't interfere with a primitive culture. Unless they have something we want. The fountain of youth, for instance. The aliens didn't see your face, did they?

KIRK

No.

(uncovers face)

There, that's better. Oh look, a cliff. I'd love to hang off of that.

McCOY

Maybe next time. Jump!

KIRK and McCOY jump into the ocean and swim to the submerged USS ENTERPRISE.

KIRK

Why the hell is the ship under water?

SULU

To hide it from the aliens. I'm sure they didn't notice the huge space ship landing in their ocean and displacing 7 billion tons of water.

KIRK

Yes, much less risky than simply parking in orbit. So where's my Vulcan bro Spock?

SPOCK

(inside volcano)

I'm trying to kill the volcano with this cold fusion device before it blows up the entire planet. As you can imagine, this mission is kind of personal to me.

KIRK

Uh, Spock? You do realize "cold fusion" does the exact opposite of making things cold, right? And why are you in the volcano in the first place? Couldn't we have just beamed the device down there instead?

SPOCK

The volcano is creating a wave of bullshit that's stopping us from using our transporter, except for when it isn't. And we couldn't just drop the bomb inside the volcano because... wait, why couldn't we do that again?

UHURA

Oh no! Spock's trapped inside the volcano and we can't beam him out without exposing the Enterprise to the aliens!

CHEKOV

But didn't I beam two guys up while free falling in the last movie?

SCOTTY

And didn't I beam two guys onto the ship halfway across the universe while going faster than light?

KIRK

Stop remembering things from the previous movie! The only way to save Spock is by flying over the volcano!

SPOCK

But you'll be breaking the Prime Directive! It's the most prime of directives!

KIRK

But isn't you trying to stop the volcano from blowing up in itself breaking the Prime Directive? I can't tell what's bigger, my libido or your hypocrisy.

THE ENTERPRISE rises up out of the ocean to rescue SPOCK, who turns the volcano into a gigantic McFLURRY.

INT. STARFLEET COMMAND - EARTH

KIRK and SPOCK are getting CHEWED OUT by their superior PIKE.

PIKE

Kirk, Spock ratted you out. For breaking the Prime Directive your ass is officially shitcanned.

CHRIS PINE

The heck, Spock?! I thought we were bros! I saved your life and this is the thanks I get?

SPOCK

You shouldn't have talked shit about my bangs. Plus you were listening to Fatboy Slim a minute ago so you kind of had it coming.

PIKE

That's right Kirk, I'm captain of the Enterprise again and I'm busting your ass back down to a cadet in order to teach you that being a cocky idiot doesn't pay off.

(pause)

On second thought I'm making you my first officer in order to teach you that being a cocky idiot most certainly does pay off.

KIRK

COOL! So if you die I'm back to being captain again, right?

PIKE

Yup. Why do you ask?

KIRK

(gets fitted for a new captain's uniform)

No reason.

INT. STARFLEET BUILDING

KIRK, PIKE, SPOCK and every other important member of STARFLEET including ADMIRAL MARCUS gathers in a SMALL ROOM with huge FLOOR TO CEILING WINDOWS and NO SECURITY.

PETER WELLER

(opens blinds)

Ah, that's better. We can't possibly conduct this meeting in a fortified room that isn't completely exposed to an outside attack. Now as you all know, a library on planet London was bombed by one of our own officers, John Harrison.

**A/N : To those of you who are Sherlock and Star Trek fans and are reading this, dont you think it's a little weird that Benedict Cumberbatch's Star Trek characters name is JOHN? Coincidence? I think not!**

KIRK

My keen douche-sense tells me the bombing was just a ploy to get us all in the same room!

JOHN HARRISON appears in a FIAT with WINGS and shoots THE HELL out of the room and mortally wounds PIKE.

SPOCK

Hey Pike, mind if I mind-rape you before you croak? Beep one time for yes and two times for no.

PIKE

(beep)

(beep)

SPOCK

Yes yes? All-right!

(does mind-meld)

PIKE

(croaks)

KIRK

Man I suck at having father figures.

INT. ANOTHER STARFLEET BUILDING

SCOTTY

Harrison used my magic beaming trick from the last movie to teleport a billion miles away to the Klingon homeworld.

SPOCK

You mean the same magic beaming trick that couldn't beam me out of a volcano? The same beaming trick we will not even consider using to teleport to the Klingon homeworld and go after Harrison with?

SCOTTY

The very same one!

KIRK

Marcus! Let me go after Harrison so I can murder the shit out of him!

MARCUS

No.

(pause)

Okay. But if you get caught it will trigger a war with the Klingons, so be sure to take these new extra explody and totally not suspicious at all torpedoes with you.

SCOTTY

I don't like the look of these torpedoes! I quit!

KIRK

Fine! But you better not show back up at a crucial moment to save my ass!

SCOTTY

I won't!

KIRK

Hey Russian kid, you're my new engine fixer, even though you're barely qualified to manage an Arby's let alone a starship engine.

CHEKOV

I get a promotion? Sweet! Hold on, does this mean I'm going to disappear for long periods of time and pop up only to spout indecipherable techno babble?

KIRK

Pretty much. It's not like you're anybody's favorite character anyway. That goes double for you, Sulu.

CAROL

Hey Chris. I'm your new sexy and mysterious crewmember. Would you like to see my credentials?

KIRK

Of course I would! I'm guessing they're a size C?

THE ENTERPRISE goes to warp and leaves behind a trail of SMURF TURDS.

EXT. KLINGON SPACE

The ENTERPRISE suddenly breaks down within SHUTTLE RANGE of KRONOS, meaning they were roughly ONE POINT THREE SECONDS away from PASTING THE ENTIRE SHIP ACROSS THE PLANET'S SURFACE when they stopped.

KIRK

We're still not allowed to use Scotty's magic beaming trick for some reason so I'm taking a shuttle down to the Klingon homeworld "Kronos"

TREKKIES

But that's not how it's spelled! This movie sucks!

KIRK

Like anybody gives a damn what you nerds think. I'm going down to the planet with Spock and some redshirts (expendables). Oh and you too, Uhura.

UHURA

Yes! I actually get to go on a mission and do something useful like all the other boys for a change!

KIRK

Not really. You'll basically spend the whole trip whining about how much you think your boyfriend doesn't love you, completely ignoring the fact Spock's an alien whose entire culture is based on suppressing emotion. I mean were you really that surprised?

UHURA

Still, it beats sitting on my ass with a D cell battery jammed in my ear.

SULU

And I'll give away our position to the Klingons by broadcasting a hollow threat to Harrison. Yay me!

INT. KRONOS

KIRK'S SHUTTLE is chased by KLINGON SHIPS, unless you're watching this in 3D, in which case a bunch of BLURRY BLOBS chase a bunch of SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT BLURRY BLOBS.

KIRK'S SHUTTLE lands and UHURA goes out to talk to THE KLINGONS, who DO NOT look like cheesy FU MANCHU REJECTS.

TREKKIES

Argh! These aren't what the Klingons are supposed to look like! Their foreheads are supposed to be smooth and greasy! Star Trek Enterprise clearly showed that

(incessant whining)

UHURA approaches THE KLINGONS.

UHURA

Look, guys, you should let us go.

KLINGONS

Why?

UHURA

Because I have a hot ass. Notice how the camera can't seem to focus on anything else but it.

KLINGONS

Well we downloaded The Words and Colombiana on Netflix and we decided you deserve a phaser blast to the face!

But HARRISON jumps in and saves KIRK'S TEAM by beating THE HELL out of THE KLINGONS, proving once again that THE KLINGONS are NOT NEARLY as BADASS as everyone THINKS they are. To be honest they're kind of WUSSES.

HARRISON

(ominously)

Kirk, I hear you have 72 mystery torpedoes on your ship. In that case I surrender in accordance with the Joker/Loki/Silva rule of devious supervillainy.

KIRK

Great. That means I can proceed to wail on you in accordance with my need to kick your damn ass! BRAWAWHAHAWAH!

KIRK punches HARRISON for TWO STRAIGHT HOURS and only manages to mess up HARRISON'S HAIR ever so slightly.

HARRISON

(ominously)

Still can't win a fight, huh? Can we hurry this up? I'm due back on the Sherlock set in an hour.

INT. ENTERPRISE

HARRISON is imprisoned inside a GLASS CELL because God knows we haven't seen THAT before a dozen times in the last 12 MONTHS.

HARRISON

(ominously)

I am a genetically enhanced super human. After the events of the last movie Starfleet found me and my crew in cryogenic sleep. Marcus woke me up and used me to build weapons of mass destruction for him.

KIRK

Of course! Who better to develop advanced super technology than a 300 year old popsicle?

HARRISON

My real name is

(with mouth opened as wide as a human mouth can possibly open)

KHAN!

TREKKIES

Nooooooooo! He can't be Khan! He's white! And English! Instead of a Mexican guy with a thick accent trying to pass as a North Indian Sikh! This isn't canon! This isn't canon! THIS ISN'T CANOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!

(head explodes)

CASUAL AUDIENCE

What the hell is a "Khan"? That's not supposed to mean something, is it?

INT. ENTERPRISE - SCIENCY ROOM

McCOY

Kirk, I've taken some of Harris - ,sorry, Khan's blood and discovered it has incredible healing properties so I injected it into this dead Tribble.

KIRK

Uh, why, exactly?

McCOY

Because science. I think Harr - ,nope sorry, Khan's blood can regenerate dead tissue.

KIRK

So you mean if someone were to, I don't know, get themselves killed, you could bring them back to life?

McCOY

Whoa, careful Kirk, we don't want to give the audience too much of a head's up.

KIRK

Well in the meantime we need to open up one of these mystery torpedoes. New girl, what you got?

CAROL

These torpedoes have only one true weakness: misogyny. So gratuitously stripping down to my underwear should do the trick!

IT DOES and the torpedo opens up to reveal A FROZEN SUPERHUMAN!

McCOY

Its worse than that – they're dead Jim...My God! All 72 torpedoes contain a member of Khan's (got it right!) murderous super human crew!

KIRK

Huh? Why wouldn't Marcus just kill them instead of risking them escaping or us discovering them? And how are the torpedoes still even explosive? This makes no sense.

McCOY

Damnit man! I'm an actor/ doctor not a screenwriter!

KIRK

Apparently neither are the actual screenwriters.

MARCUS shows up in his TRICKED OUT MILITARY STARSHIP OF DOOM in order to REHASH THE CLIMAX of the LAST TWO MOVIES.

MARCUS

So Kirk, I see Khan told you how I planned to use you to start a war with the Klingons.

KIRK

Why exactly did you want that again? Seeing as that your ship is the only dedicated warship in our entire fleet we'd get our asses royally handed to us if we went to war right now.

MARCUS

Uh...

KIRK

And what about Scotty's magic beaming equation? If Khan could beam all the way from Earth to Kronos surely you could beam a dozen nukes over there and blow the Kilngons straight to hell?

MARCUS

Nuh-uh, Trek lore says you can't beam super explody bombs to people's ships!

KIRK

Oh? Would that include the 72 torpedoes we have on our ship? Because if we can beam those then your argument is totally screwed.

MARCUS

(covering ears)

NOT LISTENING NOT LISTENING NOT LISTENING!

THE ENTERPRISE escapes into WARP SPEED, but MARCUS' SHIP has MAGIC WARP POWERS and catches up and opens a JUMBO SIZED CAN OF WHOOPASS on the ENTERPRISE.

INT. ENTERPRISE

CHEKOV

Keptin! We've been knocked out of warp and have stopped near Earth!

KIRK

The hell? We were just in the Klingon's backyard like 30 seconds ago. How did we get back to Earth so fast?

SULU

The same way a "cold fusion" bomb froze a volcano: a lot less "sci" and a whole load more "fi".

MARCUS continues to shoot up the ENTERPRISE.

CAROL

Daddy! Stop! If you blow up this ship you will also blow up your own daughter!

MARCUS

Or I could just beam you to my ship.

CAROL

(face palms)

MARCUS

Wait, did you seriously overlook that? I thought you were a scientist?

CAROL

If by "scientist" you mean "completely damn useless", then yeah that's me.

(is beamed to MARCUS's ship)

KIRK

Welp, looks like my cocky douchebaggery finally got my entire crew killed. It's been an honor serving with you. My hot female alien crewmembers, I mean. If only we were saved by a Deus Ex Machina with a Scottish accent.

SCOTTY

Aye captain! I sneaked aboard Marcus's ship and shut it down!

KIRK

And you couldn't have done that like 5 minutes ago? You would have saved at least 50 people from being sucked into outer space.

SCOTTY

Oh, like you could have done any better. Who do you think you are? A God?

KIRK

My dad was. Our transporter is completely wrecked so I'm coming over there to get you.

KHAN

(ominously)

Take me with you. I know that ship better than anyone.

KIRK

Okay, but if you try anything I will kick your genetically enhanced balls all the way up to the roof of your genetically enhanced mouth.

KHANBENEDICT.

(ominously)

Yes, because that worked out so well last time, champ.

KIRK and KHAN dive over to MARCUS'S SHIP in a redo of the SKYDIVING SCENE from the previous movie, except HORIZONTALLY.

SPOCK

In the meantime I'll call up my older self for some future spoilers. What can you tell me about Harrison, Spock?

AUDIENCE THAT HASNT SEEN FIRST MOVIE

Wait what? Spock, Spock? My heads gonna explode!

AUDIENCE WHO HAS SEEN FIRST MOVIE

Go and see the first movie ya morons! Hello!

SPOCK PRIME

Why the hell are you wasting your time talking to me on Skype instead of calling Starfleet for backup or warning them about Marcus's plan?

SPOCK

Uh...

SPOCK PRIME

Are you going to do this EVERY time you get into trouble? I thought this was a reboot? Shouldn't you be having new and different experiences that would render the future knowledge from my time-line completely useless?

SPOCK

Well...

SPOCK PRIME

Go swallow a knife jackass.

(cashes check)

(leaves)

INT. MARCUS'S DOOMSDAY SHIP

KIRK and SCOTTY hang back while KHAN turns MARCUS'S GUARDS into HAMBURGER, unless you're watching this in 3D, in which case a bunch of BLURRY BLACK THINGS flail around and hit a bunch of SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT BLURRY BLACK THINGS.

KIRK

Hey Khan, if you knew the location of this ship why didn't you use the magic beaming equation to get on it instead of going to Kronos?

SCOTTY

Or why didn't you just sneak aboard it like I did and use it to free your people?

KHAN

(ominously)

Because if my plan was simple and straight-forward then I wouldn't be an evil super-villain, now would I? Just ask Marcus, he'll back me up on this.

KIRK, SCOTTY and KHAN take control of the ship and KIRK immediately betrays KHAN by STUNNING him.

KIRK

Yes KHAN, I shot you even though you were cooperating. You're the moron though.

KHAN suddenly BEATS THE SHIT out of KIRK and SCOTTY, KICKS CAROL, and HEAD-CRUSHES MARCUS.

KHAN

(ominously)

Holy moly I am awesome. Hey Spock, give me the 72 torpedoes in exchange for your sorry excuse for a captain.

KIRK, SCOTTY and CAROL are beamed to ENTERPRISE and the 72 torpedoes are beamed to KHAN'S SHIP, instantly proving that beaming a bomb onto a ship or planet is COMPLETELY POSSIBLE AND WHY THE HELL DO WE EVEN NEED STARSHIPS IF WE CAN BEAM PEOPLE AND NUCLEAR BOMBS TO OTHER PLANETS ARGH?!

So, anyway, SPOCK detonates the TORPEDOES and it cripples KHAN'S SHIP instead of BLOWING IT THE HELL UP for some reason.

KIRK

Nice one Spock! Wait, you took Khan's guys out of the torpedoes before you sent them over? Why?

SPOCK

I'm not a murderer.

KIRK

But they were all sentenced to death for war crimes! Oh, I guess murder is only necessary when it comes to people who blow up Vulcan or talk shit about your dead mom, is that it?

THE ENTERPRISE and KHAN'S SHIP are caught in Earth's gravitational pull and plummet towards THE SURFACE.

THE ENTERPRISE loses artificial gravity and KIRK finally gets to HANG OFF OF SOMETHING even though technically he should be FLOATING.

SCOTTY

The ship is dead! We're all going to die!

KIRK

Not yet! I'll just go inside the reactor room and punch the ship back to life!

SCOTTY

But the radiation will kill you! Hey, this whole scene feels strangely familiar. Please don't tell me we're lifting Wrath of Khan's ending while also playing musical chairs with the characters.

KIRK

Don't be an idiot. Creative genius and franchise savior J.J. Abrams would never let that happen!

CO-SCREENWRITER AND MORON DAMON LINDELOF

But I might! Mhahahahahahaha!

(uses lazy writing powers)

KIRK goes inside the REACTOR ROOM and DROPKICKS the ship back to life because THAT'S HOW YOU REPAIR COMPLEX MACHINES.

SPOCK

Kirk! You saved us! Now I understand the meaning of friendship, and all it took was for you to get fatally irradiated.

KIRK

Good for you. Errk!

(dies)

SPOCK

Khhhhaaaaannnnnnn!

KHAN 9/11's his ship into STARFLEET COMMAND and escapes. SPOCK beams down to chase him while the crew mourns KIRK'S death.

McCOY

Hey wait a minute, Khan's blood brought this dead Tribble back to life!

CAROL

Did it also superglue the Tribble to your table? The ship lost all gravity and went all cyclone and the Tribble is exactly where you left it.

McCOY

Oh hush.

EXT. SAN FRANCISCO

SPOCK and KHAN fight on top of FLOATING ELEVATORS.

SPOCK

Neck pinch!

KHAN

(ominously)

Head-crush!

KHAN kicks THE SNOT out of SPOCK so UHURA has to beam down to RESCUE HIS SORRY ASS.

UHURA

Trying to shoot a guy in the face while stopping the wind from blowing up your mini-skirt is not as easy as it sounds.

SPOCK

(while getting his face pounded)

Uhura? What are you doing here? I had this handled! You're ruining my big moment!

UHURA

It could be worse. I could be Gwyneth Paltrow with Heat Fu powers.

(shoots at KHAN)

KHAN

(ominously)

A stun gun won't work on me, Uhura. Unlike 10 minutes ago when it did.

SPOCK

But it distracted you long enough for me to hit you with this metal brick! Take THAT Khanberbatch!

SPOCK pummels THE HELL out of KHAN

UHURA

Um, Spock? We need him alive to save Kirk, remember?

SPOCK

You mean none of the other 72 super human guys has magic blood? Just Khan?

UHURA

This plot point would have made way more sense if you had just blown up those 72 bad guys, you know.

SPOCK

Well do you mind if I pound Khan's face a bit longer? We Vulcans so rarely get to go totally apeshit on humans. I find it incredibly relaxing. Please, sweetheart?

UHURA

Well okay. Beat him up, honey!

SPOCK stomps a MUD HOLE in KHAN'S ASS.

INT. HOSPITAL PLACE

KIRK wakes up alive, instantly KILLING any emotional capital earned by his DEATH.

McCOY

Welcome back, Chris. Looks like I'm going to go down in history as the man who cured death. For once I'LL be the one who's knee deep in space bitches.

KIRK

Great! This means we can bring back everybody who's died! Like Pike!

ALICE EVE

Or my dad Admiral Marcus! Right?

McCOY

Well, no...

KIRK

And we'll just keep some of Khan's blood on ice in case any of us dies on future missions, completely removing any sense of tension or danger! Damn you Death! Yay!

SPOCK

Ugh. It's Season 2 of Heroes all over again.

Meanwhile KHAN and his 72 CREW MEMBERS are put back into STORAGE instead of being EXECUTED for blowing up HALF OF SAN FRANCISCO because STARFLEET'S COLOSSAL BLOODY STUPIDITY knows NO BOUNDS.

END


End file.
